chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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