My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
