I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
