what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
