Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
