I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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