Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
