you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
