I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
