My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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