i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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