The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
