Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
