I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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