I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
