saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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