Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
