The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
