he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
