You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
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Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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