this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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