"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
