Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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