Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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