"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
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Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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