that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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