your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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