Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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