things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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