This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
