I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
