Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
