i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So much Jack, so little girl.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
