I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
