i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
