Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
