yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
