Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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