It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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