You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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