I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
