My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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