I just pynch a tree in the face
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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