the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
