you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
