We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
