my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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