Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
try to milk me bitch
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