i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This toilet bowl is my home.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
