The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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