do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
