Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
