The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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