I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
