U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
