Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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